New readers start here

Here are the basics.
I was searching for a little, cheap car to get me to work occasionally and to do the odd school run. I'd sold a far more expensive car (let's not go into that) and started looking on Motors (where I sold the previous on), Autotrader and similar sites including Ebay.
I was aiming at under £1000, a small(ish) engine and a low insurance group.
This car was on Ebay - a classified ad from a local dealer and was listed at £795 with 65,741 miles (I was going to say "on the clock" but just stopped myself in time). One careful owner; and six others with behavioural and social "issues" - of which more later.
So a few days ago I went to have a look.
Condition report...
It runs and starts okay! But what do I know? It's not overly powerful with the usual slightly sloppy feel of the major controls of a small, old car.
I've likened the gear change to a stick in a bucket of cogs; just stir until you get something usable.
Electric windows work,central locking too. Not too much in the way of gadgets so not much to go wrong. But there is an alarm which is obviously fitted by a previous owner and seems to demand a mysterious ritual to arm and disarm without giving neighbours the impression that they have five minutes to reach their nuclear shelter.
It has alloy wheels which seem in good condition. I like these because I detest plastic wheel covers, especially when they fly off on the motorway.
The paintwork is, well, mostly there. It has a series of scratches on the nearside which look like a grizzly bear admired the finish. There's a patch under the driver's door handle which is completely missing. My guess a previous owner couldn't quite hit the keyhole (possibly after a few drinks).
The front nearside wing has some rather attractive wrinkles (I call them laughter lines) just near the front pillar.
To go with the drinking habit, at least one owner was a smoker. Since I don't smoke, I do feel as if I'm passively inhaling well-rotted tobacco residue and therefore need to keep the sunroof (oh, yes, a sunroof) open as often as possible. This is known as air-conditioning.
Having tried it out and considered the difficulty of getting around to other cars and how depressing this process is, I decided to start negotiations.
The result was; I paid £700 on the condition it was serviced and had a full year's MOT...and it was cleaned.